Courage & Gratitude
Today I decided to read through an old journal. Sometimes I like to go down memory lane. It reminds me of how far I’ve come through my many trials. Some people may think it’s weird to want to reflect on the not-so-pretty things that occurred in your life. But for me, it’s a place of peace, a great sense of inspiration and encouragement. A reminder to keep pushing past the pain which has always led me to my purpose. So here goes nothing.
On January 21, 2019, a day when I would have been of service in celebration & honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I was stuck in the emergency room waiting to be admitted. I had been sick all weekend and things took a turn for the worst. I started getting more and more chest pain, right side weakness, slightly blurry vision, and just an overall uncomfortable feeling all throughout my body -- mainly on one side.
I remember calling my mom telling her how I was feeling. She suggested that I go to the hospital. So of course as everyone knows, I still listen to my mom, thankfully. So I drove myself around the corner only, because it’s only around the corner right? Wrong.
Looking back on it now, I know that I should have allowed my mother to drive me. Instead I insisted on bringing myself because I knew that she wasn’t feeling well herself at the time. Deep down inside I knew something was different about my body. It could’ve been how intense my fatigue was at the time or the way my chest was hurting. I had a weird numbness on my right side. Sometimes it’s hard to describe your pain. You just know that you have it. To be honest the hip pain really wasn’t that unusual for me, especially due to my rheumatoid arthritis.
My first thought was, “I’m having a bad flare.” Well that lasted until my chest started hurting really badly. It felt a little tight but not quite like I was having a heart attack. Well then again I really don’t know what it feels like to have a heart attack. Nonetheless, I knew something was off. After the aspirin my mom gave me didn’t work, I knew the hospital was the only place I needed to go. We know one thing, hospitals do not play around when you come in complaining of chest pain!
The nurse took me in the back, put me in a room and the next thing I know I was being hooked up for an EKG. I remember after, the nurse said that she was going to have the doctor read it but that I could go back and sit in the waiting area. Well no more than five minutes of being back in the waiting area, the triage nurse put me into a room.
All I could remember thinking was, “Thank goodness!” because my right side felt horrible and not to mention the tightness and pressure in my chest. I felt like someone was pushing something heavy down onto my chest. Physically, I was dealing with the pain and discomfort of it all, but emotionally I was struggling. I had a situation back in December 2016 that felt all too familiar and I prayed and asked God to please not let this be the same thing.
I was super pleased with how all of the doctors ranging from the cardiac, neurology and attending ER doctors, handled my care and ran every test possible. As the doctor comes into my room he says, “Ms. Hazel we’re going to admit you and the reason we’re admitting you is because you had another TIA (transient ischemic attack) and we need to monitor you to make sure you’re not having a stroke.” My mind was racing because it was indeed the same thing that happened back in 2016 that landed me in a hospital for nearly a month, followed by a stay at a rehab facility. The news truly rocked my world, I felt numb and couldn’t process my emotions. I spent the next three days in the hospital by myself.
It’s funny because I remember one of my nurses being a family member to one of my exes. He kept me laughing. I don’t think I told him that before, so I think it’s about time that I express my gratitude to him. He was always laughing, joking and he has such a big personality. Little did he know I needed those moments. Every moment that I laid there, I reflected on gratitude. I kept finding the silver lining which, for me, was hope.
There was no other way to get through it without remaining positive. That mindset helped me focus on the peace in the midst of the storm. This is why I love reflecting on my not-so-pretty moments because they make me the beautiful person that I am today. It reminds me to focus on all the things that I am grateful for everyday. Even when I was feeling scared (because we’re human and we will have those moments), my motto is “Do it even if you have fear or uncertainty. ‘Do it afraid.’”
If we look out the window and the sun is shining, all is well with the world. Yes, even with all of the chaos in the world, we made it through another day. I have learned throughout the years not to say “this too shall pass” but rather, “dance in the rain, no need for an umbrella.” My strength comes from my courage to do the work of getting back up no matter how hard it may be.
It’s understandable to have an array of emotions when your health is being challenged. It’s a good idea to embrace and process those feelings instead of holding them in. You’ll be doing yourself and your health journey a disservice to not seek the proper help or some form of outlet. Be kind to yourself and do it one step at a time. Remember to find the courage to do it and show yourself and your tribe of support, some Gratitude.